Women in Prison -- Can Lindsay Survive?

Oh, the horror. The pain. The humilation. The bad food. How will Lindsay survive? The press wants to know because they think everyone else wants to know. I'm reticent to write anything about this fool, but the latest media frenzy so rife with the stink of human shortcomings, I can't help it.

This morning, a lawyer on the Today show listed the problems Lindsay Lohan will have in jail -- the isolation, the confinement, the humiliation, and the food. The food. Really, he said that. Now, I can't blame this guy for being out of touch with reality; he's a lawyer. I won't print his name because people might think he's a little bit stupid... and maybe he is. But he's not the focus, here.

Lindsay Lohan goes to jail today. She'll most likely server out a fraction of her sentence (the judge thinks maybe 20 days). I'm betting she'll serve about 12. She already has deals lined up for over a million dollars from whomever gets the first interview with her. How about that? Hell, she'll get arrested every year for that kind of cash. In fact, I wouldn't be surprised if it became a cottage industry in Beverly Hills. Mel Gibson is next, mark my words. He'll be needing money when Oksana finishes with him.

It's not Lindsay I care about. I'm pretty sure she might learn to like prison. She'll have a chance at a new love in her life and make a pile of cash when she leaves. What horrified me is the cloud of idiocy that follows this kind of phenomenon. Journalists crowd in close, damning all dignity, just to shout a question at Lindsay. Photographers follow her like fireflies, hoping that she does something crazy that will result in a very valuable picture. I can understand a thirty-second spot devoted to this; people go crazy when celebrities fuck up. They love to be reminded that these over-wealthy, over-exposed, over-gratified boobs in our society fall on their faces and make the rest of us losers feel just a little bit better about drinking ourselves stupid and waking up in a Costa Rican hotel room with a sticky, deflated sex doll.

Well, maybe that's just me.

Anyway, Lindsay can stay in her little cell for forty years and I wouldn't miss her a bit. Her family would certainly miss the income, after a while -- so I understand their angst. But why the hell should the rest of us care? She's not dying. She didn't kill anybody. There are much more important things going on in the world... like toe fungus. How the hell do you get rid of it? There's a story I'd like to see Katie Couric do. It's infinitely more interesting and pertinent than whatever celebrity drank or drugged herself into prison this month.

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